With a lower dosage, I had no side effects in round two of chemo. Six more rounds to go. Both my prognosis and prescription allow me the specialness factor of being a cancer patient while mostly feeling physically well. Meeting other patients who look sick, feel exhausted and have lost pleasure in food, I imagine that feeling special is not so special.
Friends tell me I’m an inspiration. They’re surprised and delighted to see me looking so well, which makes me feel like a proud peacock. We all like to see someone ‘winning’ and it’s easy to let cancer fall into the realm of win-lose, especially when it makes you feel like a winner. But living and dying is not a win-lose reality, it’s just our human reality.
Though I think mostly people are responding to my ‘inspirational’ acceptance of my life circumstances. On one hand acceptance is a choice that I am indeed choosing, and on the other hand it feels like a gift I am receiving. I’m not putting effort into accepting my reality, it’s just happening. Mom is accepting that she is dying. Most days I am too. This gift of acceptance allows our home and our time to carry a quality of non-anxious openness to whatever each day holds.
Of course, this makes it sound like it’s all idyllic. Last weekend at a wedding I had an emotional meltdown, grieving that Mom will not be at my wedding and that all family gatherings will feel incomplete when she is gone. The truth that she will always be present with us was not comforting in that moment. I want her here in body.
This path is not easy, but acceptance and gratitude are what continually rise to the surface. Life is winning. Life is special and inspirational.
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| Me, Kirk, Davis & Mom at Point Roberts in April. |
Yet again Wade, so enjoying your writing and reflecting. I so resonate with your thoughts around the language of "winning" cancer battles, and appreciate your thoughts around being with, accepting, and, yes, even melting down sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI'm reminded of a post I read recently on facebook from Leslie Feinberg, who has recently gone into hospice as part of a very long journey with illness... in the post, Leslie said: "My goal is to survive hospice. But I set out to do so with this reminder: illnesses and deaths are not personal failings. Nor is hospice a surrender."
I so appreciate these kinds of writings and conversations that get us talking about and thinking about the journeys through and with illness rather than some goal of "triumphing over" them.
And, just love this picture of the four of you... so beautiful. Sending love to you and yours. Kerri